First a meds update: I'm doing well, but not quite as "up" as I was the first 2 weeks on the meds. I haven't taken the Ativan in days. I haven't needed it much. While I miss the high of the first few days, this seems much more natural. My mood stays more even keeled which is really nice. I haven't had any emotional outbursts and have had a much easier time making decisions.
Speaking of decisions, we have decided to move Grandma in with us. This requires a renovation to our lower level. We have gutted it and the contractor will start rebuilding it in the next week or so. She has been unhappy in the assisted living facility. I have been unhappy driving an hour to get there. Every time I need something signed, she has a doctor's appt, or I have to call regarding one of her accts...I have to make the drive. Gas is now at $3.49 and this was getting to be very costly, not to mention stressful. Granted, a home renovation isn't exactly cheap(or stress less), but at least we'll have something to show for it. We considered buying a new home that would accommodate Grandma without having to remodel, but that idea nearly put me over the edge. I'm not ready to move. Plus, I'd just gotten my garden built and hated the idea of leaving it. I know it seems strange to be that attached to some dirt, but I really like this garden. Lest you think I'm really nuts, we really weren't in a financial position to move. Also, DH may be transferred in the next year, so now isn't the time to buy.
This week last year I was in Houston with Mom. On this particular day, she had her catheter(port) put in. It stuck out just below her collar bone. I had to learn to change the sterile dressing every three days. I also learned how to draw blood and administer steroids via the catheter. I was chosen to go with Mom because I was deemed the "most able to handle" all the medical stuff. This proved to be true. I picked it up quickly and had very few difficulties. Now, however, I have anxiety issues over anything medically related. This is bizarre to me because I've never had a problem with blood, guts etc. This is one of the reasons that my doctor put me on the Ativan. She didn't want me passing out if DS scraped his knee. :)
The next "big day" is Mom's birthday in June. Last year, we were in Houston, so I was the only one that got to spend it with her. Thank goodness I have my meds to help deal with it this year!!

Mother's Day

I survived Mother's Day. Thanks to my new found friends,Prozac and Ativan, it wasn't dreadful. My DH and kids really did a great job of making it special for me. We took Grandma out to lunch and she seemed to enjoy it.
I became the most upset after DH called his mom. She lives in SC and has very little to do with our family. She didn't even ask how we were doing. She's very self centered. It makes me so sad that this is the Grandma my kids are left with. She didn't even acknowledge Christmas or their birthdays!! My mom always made a big deal over their birthdays and as previously mentioned, Christmas was huge!!
Last year for DD birthday, Mom had gotten her diagnosis that week, but still came to our house with donuts and balloons to help celebrate. We never would have imagined then that it would be the last birthday she'd celebrate.
Anyway, the realization upset me. But, I had a good cry and then moved on. I wasn't so silly as to hope for a day with no crying. I just didn't want it to be all consuming.
Hopefully, next year will be a little easier.

I heart Prozac

Another quick update. Three days now with no crying, yelling... I have woken up happy the last 3 mornings. It's a little freaky.
I calmly reminded my DH that leaving the shower curtain open caused mildew to breed on it. "Please close it when you're done". No drama. No accusation that if he really loved me he would remember to do this. Just a casual exchange.
What I'm enjoying the most about my current drugged condition, but also makes me sad...I can tell when I would have lost it had I not been on the meds. Previous example included. It makes me realize how far from my norm I had slipped without realizing it. I knew I was no longer a happy person. I didn't enjoy my life very much. Rarely laughed. I could fake it for a while with other people, but not at home. Here I was too tired to even bother trying. So my poor family has lived with this cranky me for over a year.
Of course I blamed it on my mom dying. Who wouldn't be miserable all the time if their mom died? Because I have an excuse, it was hard to see that I was beyond grieving. Luckily, the doctor could tell. While I'm not a proponent of everyone taking meds, I'm also not a fan of living an unhappy existence when there is a medical reason and solution.
Something that has really surprised me is my eating. For the first time in my life I am satisfied with the food I eat. Let me explain. Previously, no amount of food would satisfy me. I could be full, stuffed, gorged and I'd still want more food. Even if I didn't like it. It sounds crazy, but that's how I've always been. I know I'm not the only one like this. For the last few days, I have left food on my plate, taken less or skipped it all together. There has been an open container of soft batch cookies in my pantry since Friday. We had burgers and I didn't have potato chips. Because I just didn't want them!!! To someone, like my DH, that has always been like this, I'm sure you don't get the importance of this. For me, this is HUGE!!!

Quick Update

I've been medicated for 2 days now. It's been 2 of the nicest days I've had in over a year!! I haven't cried, yelled, hyperventilated, or freaked out. Quite pleasant really. That's not to say that my days have been uneventful. Nothing has gone as planned, but it was bearable.
DH says he hasn't seen me this much like myself in ages. That's a little scary!! Needless to say, so far I'm pleased with my decision. Only time will tell though.

Meds

Well, I made the appointment and actually went. Today, I spoke to my Dr about anti-depressants. After a lengthy conversation and a few questionnaires she handed over the scripts. Yep, scripts, plural. I am currently taking Ativan for anxiety and Prozac for moderate depression. The Ativan is only for a few weeks. Basically to get me through Mother's Day and until I get enough Prozac in my system to actually do something.
This was a really hard decision for me. I'm really not a fan of meds of any kind. The dr explained that due to the continuous,year-long stress in my life (read previous posts for explanation) my serotonin levels have been depleted. The idea is to supplement for a few months and then wean off the meds and see if my body kicks up it's production. I have no intention of staying on these long term, but I need a change. It is getting harder to function. Simple trips to the grocery store and preparing meals can completely paralyze me with indecision.
She(the doc) is hopeful that this will also curb my food cravings and allow my eating to return to it's healthier former self. I'm hoping that on the meds I will have the energy and drive to exercise again. I walked to the doctor's office and it felt really good to get out by myself and enjoy my walk.
Doc also recommended grief counceling. I've considered this before, but haven't actually done anything about it. I kept thinking I could handle this. It's frustrating to admit that apparently, I can't. It's too much, for too long. If it had been "just" Mom's death I could have coped. It's the compound effect of Mom's illness then losing her, caring for Grandma, bio-father's death, DH back injury and the fear of brain issues etc. Not to mention the "normal" life stressors.
So, we'll see how it goes. I have a follow-up appt in 2 weeks. By then I should be off the Ativan so I'll know if the Prozac is helping.

Feed ME!!!

This has been a really rough week. The Mother's Day commercials are killing me. I don't think I've made it through a night of tv this week without bursting into tears. Yesterday's trip to Marcs was surprisingly emotional. Last year for Mom's Day, Mom and I ran into Marc's to pick up a flower basket for Grandma. It doesn't take much to get me started these days.
I've been "medicating" myself with carbs. It's frustrating because I really need to eat healthy and lose weight. However, I don't seem to be coping well. I feel like whatever I can use to get me through the next few months is acceptable. Yesterday it was a bag of Tato Skins. What annoys me is that after a few handfuls, I really didn't want anymore. But I finished off the bag because I needed something to distract me. DH is home the next few nights, but tonight is Grey's Anatomy. Always an emotional hour, and tonight it's 2 hours!! Luckily, DH is very understanding of the situation and has been wise enough to not comment on my eating.