Grieving yet again

I know, I said this was done. That was until April 23rd. The day my adorable nephew, Matthew was stillborn. I cannot describe the hole he left. He's the third child of my younger sister. My second nephew. It's a well known fact in my family, I love little boys. My other sister prefers girls. She likes to buy them little dresses and shoes to match. I like overalls and playing cars, complete with engine noises.
So, when Nel told my I was having another nephew I was ecstatic!! Giddy even. I bought several outfits long before his arrival.
I received the call from my BIL at 8:09pm on the 22nd. He said they were at the hospital "the baby doesn't have a heartbeat". I made him explain it to me. It just didn't make sense. I'd just spoken to Nel a few hours earlier. It couldn't be. There had to be a mistake. "No, they did another ultrasound". It was at this point that I scared the heck out of my poor children. I just started sobbing and saying "oh God, no" over and over. I was already putting my shoes on as I hung up the phone. DH took the kids to the neighbors and we sped to the hospital. Normally it takes nearly an hour to get there, but we made it in less than 45. Here is the horrible irony. Same hospital where Mom died, same floor. Whoever thought to put maternity and oncology on the same floor is an idiot!!!
We arrived at the hospital just after 9pm and got an update from the nurse. She was amazing. As soon as I saw her I started crying again. She kept hugging me and telling me Nel was ok and we were going to get through this. She was right. From that point on, I put on my big sister face. No more tears. I spent the next 14 hours with my sister and BIL as they induced labor. It seemed to take forever, and yet we dreaded the end. Finally, she delivered the baby. I was there with her, BIL and my other sister. It was the most awful moment in my life. I can still see his lifeless body sliding out as we all sobbed. He was a beautiful baby boy. Not a thing wrong with him. No explanation to be had.
In the hours that past, I held him. We all did. Knowing that we'd never get to hold him again was excruciating. After 21 hours of no sleep, having never left that floor of the hospital, I was beyond exhausted. However, I could not let go of that baby. I knew if I let him go they were going to take him away and that was it. I couldn't bear the thought of never seeing his sweet face again. My poor DH had to take him from my arms. Prior to Matthew, I could never have imagined wanting to hold a dead baby. I can't explain it, but I didn't care. He was our Matthew. I just wanted to love on him as long as I could.
I truly believe that he is in heaven with Mom and his sister(my sister miscarried my niece's twin). We are left with those few moments with his lifeless body and the pictures that were taken. My dear sister is left with an emptiness that she can't explain. Our family is crushed by the loss of this tiny little man that we so wanted to love and get to know. I don't think we will ever understand why, but I know my God is a loving God. He doesn't want us to hurt and He offers His comfort. The only One that can heal our hearts.
It's been 3 weeks now. Nel is getting back to living. I stayed with her for 2 weeks after she got home. She's amazingly strong. A truly impressive young woman. I hope that she will have another baby in her arms before April 23rd comes around next year. Of course, I hope for a boy, but never have the words "As long as it's healthy, it doesn't matter" been more true. Please pray for her.