The sun peaks through

It has been 52 weeks now since the last time my mom spoke to me. It was Sunday, I had been at her house all afternoon and was leaving. I had to go shopping for stuff for dd for her first time at church camp. Mom had really wanted her to go to camp. I distinctly remember sitting on her bed(a hospital bed we had rented) telling her where I was going. "I'll see you tomorrow" I said. "OK" she said. "I love you", "you too". Those were the last words we spoke to each other. It doesn't seem like much, but at the time I was perfectly satisfied.(Mom could not form sentences by this point)
I knew I'd see her the next morning because I had to do a blood draw for a test we had done 3 times a week. I was going to take my daughter with me so Mom could see her before she went to camp. I went home to prepare for the next day having no idea that nothing would ever be the same.
So, this morning I woke up really early and could not get back to sleep. I went out on the porch. It didn't take long before "Praise you in the storm" was in my head, as it has been for days. I spent some time crying and praying "how much more are we supposed to take?" You see, my husband had a dear friend die this weekend. It's the second this month. He is heartbroken and worn out. So, I'm asking God, "Where are you?, Why are you letting us go through all this? This year has sucked!!!" (yes, I say "sucked" to God)
He said to me, as clear as day "You aren't supposed to be going through this alone. I've been here all along." At this point, I kid you not, the sun which had previously been blocked by the trees, shone so bright on my face it was practically blinding!!! He said, "I've been here all the time, you just could not see or feel me" Then it was clear to me that my pain, anger and sadness had blocked me from seeing the Lord, right there in front of me. The analogy is amazing. This tree blocks the sun, except for brief glimpses, for the majority of the morning. It helps keep our house cool. But, by around 11am, the sun is over the tree and pours down on us. "He is not silent, we are not listening" He's been there all the time just waiting for me to notice.
How much harder did I make this year because I couldn't, or wouldn't see Him? I'll never know. I certainly have no desire to endure another year with Him blocked out though. Now that I see the Son is there, I want to bask in The Light. I want to feel the warmth that I've been missing.
On a different subject~interestingly, I am now having side effects of the Prozac. I am experiencing "excessive yawning". Yep, that's a side effect. Big deal, you probably think. Well, actually, it is. The human jaw was not intended to yawn 50 times a day. I had suffered from TMJ before I got braces. With all this yawning, my jaw is dislocating and causing constant pain. I've also experienced a few manic episodes. While entertaining for the family, it's a little freaky. Then there are the days that I simply cannot wake up. I'm in a fog all day. So, my love affair with Prozac is over. I'll be seeing my doctor asap to make a change. I'd like to get off of it completely and be med free. Or keep the Ativan on hand for emergencies. I've done some research and found out that Prozac is not something you just stop taking. So, I will do this under my doctor's care.