Grieving yet again

I know, I said this was done. That was until April 23rd. The day my adorable nephew, Matthew was stillborn. I cannot describe the hole he left. He's the third child of my younger sister. My second nephew. It's a well known fact in my family, I love little boys. My other sister prefers girls. She likes to buy them little dresses and shoes to match. I like overalls and playing cars, complete with engine noises.
So, when Nel told my I was having another nephew I was ecstatic!! Giddy even. I bought several outfits long before his arrival.
I received the call from my BIL at 8:09pm on the 22nd. He said they were at the hospital "the baby doesn't have a heartbeat". I made him explain it to me. It just didn't make sense. I'd just spoken to Nel a few hours earlier. It couldn't be. There had to be a mistake. "No, they did another ultrasound". It was at this point that I scared the heck out of my poor children. I just started sobbing and saying "oh God, no" over and over. I was already putting my shoes on as I hung up the phone. DH took the kids to the neighbors and we sped to the hospital. Normally it takes nearly an hour to get there, but we made it in less than 45. Here is the horrible irony. Same hospital where Mom died, same floor. Whoever thought to put maternity and oncology on the same floor is an idiot!!!
We arrived at the hospital just after 9pm and got an update from the nurse. She was amazing. As soon as I saw her I started crying again. She kept hugging me and telling me Nel was ok and we were going to get through this. She was right. From that point on, I put on my big sister face. No more tears. I spent the next 14 hours with my sister and BIL as they induced labor. It seemed to take forever, and yet we dreaded the end. Finally, she delivered the baby. I was there with her, BIL and my other sister. It was the most awful moment in my life. I can still see his lifeless body sliding out as we all sobbed. He was a beautiful baby boy. Not a thing wrong with him. No explanation to be had.
In the hours that past, I held him. We all did. Knowing that we'd never get to hold him again was excruciating. After 21 hours of no sleep, having never left that floor of the hospital, I was beyond exhausted. However, I could not let go of that baby. I knew if I let him go they were going to take him away and that was it. I couldn't bear the thought of never seeing his sweet face again. My poor DH had to take him from my arms. Prior to Matthew, I could never have imagined wanting to hold a dead baby. I can't explain it, but I didn't care. He was our Matthew. I just wanted to love on him as long as I could.
I truly believe that he is in heaven with Mom and his sister(my sister miscarried my niece's twin). We are left with those few moments with his lifeless body and the pictures that were taken. My dear sister is left with an emptiness that she can't explain. Our family is crushed by the loss of this tiny little man that we so wanted to love and get to know. I don't think we will ever understand why, but I know my God is a loving God. He doesn't want us to hurt and He offers His comfort. The only One that can heal our hearts.
It's been 3 weeks now. Nel is getting back to living. I stayed with her for 2 weeks after she got home. She's amazingly strong. A truly impressive young woman. I hope that she will have another baby in her arms before April 23rd comes around next year. Of course, I hope for a boy, but never have the words "As long as it's healthy, it doesn't matter" been more true. Please pray for her.

Ok, one more

I know I said I wasn't posting on this blog anymore, but I wanted to include another meds update. I went to the doctor last week and he agreed that I could go off the Prozac. So, I'm now taking them every other day. However, today I'm really edgey and crabby. This was one of the reasons I started on the meds, so I'm a bit concerned. I do still want to give it some time. Grandma moved in this weekend and it's really easy to become frustrated. So, I really don't want to be a crab. I tried going an extra day today, and that may have been a mistake. I do still have the Ativan to take "as needed". I did take it for moving day. More for the sake of those around me. :)
Otherwise, we're doing good.

Last Post

I got my tattoo yesterday. It's pretty cool. I can't wait to download the pics. My husband's turned out great!! It was a very interesting experience. I'm actually considering getting another one next year.
Yesterday went well. The distraction of the tattoo was perfect. I never had time to dwell on missing my mom. We had dinner as a family which was really nice.
My SIL went into labor early this morning and had my neice at 7:45am. She is adorable and my brother is on cloud nine.
My kids come back from camp tomorrow. Grandma's suite is nearing completion. She moves in next Friday. I have thoroughly enjoyed the week with my husband. We have been able to reconnect after an exhausting year.
I have come full circle and am at peace with Mom's death. I'll never be happy about it and I certainly don't understand it. However, my God is holy, awesome and way smarter than me. I trust that He is in all things and will work everything out for His glory. I am a better, more compassionate person for having lost my mom. There will never be a day that I don't miss her, but I'm good with that. I wouldn't have it any other way.
I'm counting on receiving a "heavenly" body before I see her next. Otherwise, she'll kick my butt for getting a tattoo.
Update~here are the only pics I currently have of our tattoos. I'll post better ones asap. I have decided to add a bit to mine once it's healed. I'm going to make the butterfly a little bigger with more purple.

The big day

This is it!!! The day I've been dreading for a year now. It's here, and I'm ok. In fact, I'm better than ok. I'm disturbingly chipper.(even before taking my Prozac) It may be a manic episode, but it's better than lying in bed crying, so I'll take it.
I was up before 6am this morning. I sent a text to my baby sister, called my brother and dad and emailed my other sister. All before 7am!! Everyone seems to be doing ok. We are having dinner together tonight. I'm really looking forward to it.
This morning, I couldn't handle being up by myself anymore so I woke DH. I told him I needed Starbucks, but I didn't want to be home alone, so I decided to go with him to get it. In my pj's. When we got there, there was an IHOP across the street. I decided I wanted breakfast there. He said "No, you aren't dressed". I used the July 18th "I can do whatever I want" card. It worked. I went in and got some interesting looks, very funny!! Breakfast was gross. I haven't eaten at IHOP in over a decade and can safely wait at least another decade. Very fitting for today though.
I'm getting my tattoo at 2pm. I'm really nervous, but also super excited. I love my design. DH has added a bit to his. I think it's going to be awesome!! I'll post pics of them asap.
to be continued...

The sun peaks through

It has been 52 weeks now since the last time my mom spoke to me. It was Sunday, I had been at her house all afternoon and was leaving. I had to go shopping for stuff for dd for her first time at church camp. Mom had really wanted her to go to camp. I distinctly remember sitting on her bed(a hospital bed we had rented) telling her where I was going. "I'll see you tomorrow" I said. "OK" she said. "I love you", "you too". Those were the last words we spoke to each other. It doesn't seem like much, but at the time I was perfectly satisfied.(Mom could not form sentences by this point)
I knew I'd see her the next morning because I had to do a blood draw for a test we had done 3 times a week. I was going to take my daughter with me so Mom could see her before she went to camp. I went home to prepare for the next day having no idea that nothing would ever be the same.
So, this morning I woke up really early and could not get back to sleep. I went out on the porch. It didn't take long before "Praise you in the storm" was in my head, as it has been for days. I spent some time crying and praying "how much more are we supposed to take?" You see, my husband had a dear friend die this weekend. It's the second this month. He is heartbroken and worn out. So, I'm asking God, "Where are you?, Why are you letting us go through all this? This year has sucked!!!" (yes, I say "sucked" to God)
He said to me, as clear as day "You aren't supposed to be going through this alone. I've been here all along." At this point, I kid you not, the sun which had previously been blocked by the trees, shone so bright on my face it was practically blinding!!! He said, "I've been here all the time, you just could not see or feel me" Then it was clear to me that my pain, anger and sadness had blocked me from seeing the Lord, right there in front of me. The analogy is amazing. This tree blocks the sun, except for brief glimpses, for the majority of the morning. It helps keep our house cool. But, by around 11am, the sun is over the tree and pours down on us. "He is not silent, we are not listening" He's been there all the time just waiting for me to notice.
How much harder did I make this year because I couldn't, or wouldn't see Him? I'll never know. I certainly have no desire to endure another year with Him blocked out though. Now that I see the Son is there, I want to bask in The Light. I want to feel the warmth that I've been missing.
On a different subject~interestingly, I am now having side effects of the Prozac. I am experiencing "excessive yawning". Yep, that's a side effect. Big deal, you probably think. Well, actually, it is. The human jaw was not intended to yawn 50 times a day. I had suffered from TMJ before I got braces. With all this yawning, my jaw is dislocating and causing constant pain. I've also experienced a few manic episodes. While entertaining for the family, it's a little freaky. Then there are the days that I simply cannot wake up. I'm in a fog all day. So, my love affair with Prozac is over. I'll be seeing my doctor asap to make a change. I'd like to get off of it completely and be med free. Or keep the Ativan on hand for emergencies. I've done some research and found out that Prozac is not something you just stop taking. So, I will do this under my doctor's care.

Casting Crowns Praise You In The Storm

Have your Kleenex ready.

Praise You In This Storm

This exerpt is copied directly from Casting Crowns website.(please don't sue me) I wanted to post the lyrics here because this song, more than any other, has spoken to me over the past year. When I found this page on the site, I felt the words here explain perfectly why this song has meant so much. "Sometimes He chooses to ride them with us" I still can't hear this without crying.

02. Praise You In This Storm

Written by Mark Hall / Music by Mark Hall and Bernie Herms

If there ever were a test of our faith - if there ever were a test of the motives of our worship - it is when a storm rolls into our lives. We watched and prayed for a precious little girl named Erin Edwards struggle with a deadly disease for several years. The courage, the witness, and the worship of Erin's mother Laurie inspired this song. Sometimes God calms our storms. Sometimes He chooses to ride them with us.
Romans 8:28 / 2 Corinthians. 4:16-18
Psalm 42:5 / Psalm 121:1-2
Job 1:20-21 / Daniel 3:16-18

2005 Club Zoo Music (BMI) / SWECS Music (BMI) (adm. by EMI CMG Publishing) / Word Music, LLC (ASCAP) / Banahama Tunes (ASCAP) (adm. by Word Music, LLC)


I was sure by now
God You would have reached down
And wiped our tears away
And stepped in and saved the day
Once again, I say Amen, and it is still raining

As the thunder rolls
I barely hear you whisper through the rain
I�m with you
As your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise the God who gives
And takes away

I�ll Praise you in this storm
And I will lift my hands
You are who you are
No matter where I am
And every tear I�ve cried
You hold in your hand
You never left my side
And though my heart is torn
I will Praise You in this storm

I remember when
I stumbled in the wind
You heard my cry
You raised me up again
My strength is almost gone
How can I carry on
If I can�t find you

I lift my eyes into the hills
Where does my help come from
My help comes from the Lord
The maker of heaven and earth

Closing in

The day is closing in. The anniversary of Mom's death. Scripturally, I should say "new life", but it still feels like death to me. I just reread all my previous posts. Wow, is that depressing. I really wouldn't recommend it. However, it does show me that there has been improvement. That was my reasoning for starting this blog. A record of the journey. Some days it was really ugly and bitter. Others it was the weight of sadness. Some were pure anger. But that was my year.
I am a different and I hope better person now. My greatest prayer is that my mom would be proud of how I've handled it. She told me to take care of my siblings and I've really tried to be there for them. It's hard because I'm their big sis, not Mom. I've tried to be the best, most available big sis I can be. This year has given me a new love for all of them. They are so different. I've always known this, but this year I've spent more time interacting with them as individuals. I have to cling to them more now than I did when Mom was alive. She kept us together. Our love for her was the anchor of our family. Now we really have to make an effort to stay in touch. This is a joy and a challenge. They are truly all the family I have. Yes, I still have Grandma, but she's slipping away(mostly mentally). I guess I still have my step dad, but it doesn't feel like it. I'm grateful for my sisters and brother more than I ever was when Mom was here. That would make her happy. She always wanted us to be close because she wasn't close to her sister.
Once again I'm considering ending this blog next week. Not because I don't want to blog, but I want this journey to be saved by itself. Obviously, it's a huge part of me now. However, I like the idea of encapsulating this year. It's a reference point for my life now. Just like all the other major events. So, after next week, I will add a new "chapter" to my blog life. Now I have to start thinking of a more original name.

Babies!!

Today, I got to see the new baby boy of a dear friend. He was born July 1st, 3 weeks early. He is absolutely precious and a true answer to prayer. My friend ended up having a c-section after 12 hours of labor. She was terribly disappointed, but agreed for the safety of her baby. When the doctors went in to get him, they discovered that the cord was wrapped around his neck 3 times!!! This sweet baby never would have survived a natural birth. However, he is healthy and adorable. I could have sat and held him all day. Well, not really, because his daddy is so infatuated with him he can't get enough holding time.
It was so sweet to see the transformation in this man. I've always known he was a softy, but hearing him coo to his son was one of the sweetest things I've seen. He was clueless at the way my friend looked at him. There is a new love that emerges when you see the man you love totally in love with his baby. I always loved watching my dh with our babies.
I have another friend that is having her baby today. This one is a girl. The last of 4. Also, my SIL is due to give birth to my niece in a few weeks. A first for her and my brother. I'm surrounded by babies. It's very fitting that the anniversary of my mom's death will be the month that I'm bombarded with new life.
My mom loved babies. She couldn't get enough. She would cuddle for hours. This will be her first grand baby born since her death. The first that she won't meet. It's terribly sad at the same time it's a joy. I'm so grateful that the Lord saw fit to bring this joy to us this month that will otherwise be so sad.
Last July 4th we spent at the hospital. Mom's doctor sat us down and told us she wasn't going to make it. The tumor was growing too fast and her body was shutting down. We sat as a family in the waiting room and cried...then we cried some more. After that was done, we prepared to bring her home and do everything in our power to prove the doctors wrong.
Today is a reminder that God does answer prayer. Sometimes he says "no". My friend is holding her baby because of prayer. It is easy to become bitter that our prayer wasn't answered. I still get angry sometimes. Even if God didn't heal my Mom, He's still out there performing miracles. Are we still seeing them?