And so it goes
It's been 17 weeks now. Five since the last time I bothered to blog. I'm starting to feel like this topic has run its course. After 17 weeks, surprisingly, not much has changed. I still break into fits of crying at the drop of a hat. I wake up most Tuesdays(the day Mom died) and count how many weeks it has been. I'm still struggling to remember how she was before she got sick. Now with the holidays approaching, I'm trying hard to make life seem close to normal for the kids. I'd love to sleep through the next few months and wake up in January. My mom would never have allowed such a thing. She did up the holidays BIG!! Lots of decorations, presents and way too much food. This year I'm taking it easy on all of the above.
I've made a commitment to healthy eating. I have become painfully aware over the last year that cancer feeds on sugar. So, I'm trying to eliminate it from my diet. Also, anything that is easily converted to sugar by the body. I figure since my mom died of cancer and my bio-father is dying of cancer I really need to take precautionary steps if I want to live past 55. (Mom was 53, bio-father is 55(I think))
Plus, I've developed ulcers. Yeah!! Apparently due to the amount of stress I was under while helping take care of Mom. I was also having constant headaches so I was living on Excedrin Migraine. Word to the wise... Do not take aspirin every day, doubling the dosage, for weeks at a time, especially without eating first. It can cause ulcers. Ulcers aren't fun. Besides the pain and constant ache there is nausea, gas and a heartburn- like feeling. Now I'm on meds for 8 weeks. I'm half way through and the pain still isn't gone. If it doesn't go away I get to have an endoscopy performed. wooohooo. I get to see my innards. Merry Christmas to me!!
To top things off, today I found out that DH has a degenerative spinal disorder and if that didn't suck enough...an abnormal swelling of the brain stem.
So to recap... July-Mom dies, Aug-Grandma diagnosed w/ Parkinsons, Sept-ulcers, Nov.-bad diagnosis for DH, anytime now-father could die
and so it goes...this is your life
I sound so negative and bitter. I guess I am. I feel like I'm getting way more than my share here. In the grand scheme of things I realize that this is life. The good with the bad. Now I'm seeing a lot of bad, but there is good in there too. My kids are great! Doing well in school. Enjoying their activities and looking forward to the holidays, sort of. I have a wonderful DH and a great marriage. I'm basically healthy. My needs are met,barely. A big lump of cash would improve the look of things. But the things that really matter aren't affected by money.
Today was the first time in 17 weeks that I desperately wanted to call my Mom. I wanted so badly to tell her the news from the doctor and how scared I am. It sounds weird, but hearing her worry too would make me feel a little better. Instead, I keep it inside. There's no one else to tell. Well, except you, I guess. I told a close friend, it helped, a little. But she's not going to worry with me like Mom would.
I'm sad. always. still. it doesn't go way. I still don't feel like I've figured out how to do this. Grieve, I mean. when does the pain go away. I think never. I think I will cry at every milestone in my family's life for my Mom. wedding, graduations, birthdays and new births will all be days that I will feel her absence.
It dawned on me a few days ago that she doesn't miss us. For some reason this really upsets me. Of course I want her to be happy and at peace. But, it filled me with such an aching sadness to know that she's not longing to be with us the way we are. I know this should bring me comfort. "she's in a better place" She's my mom, she is supposed to miss me. I don't think she could have ever imagined the cavern her death would leave in my life. She felt comfortable leaving me to "take care of the kids". She meant my younger siblings. Who is supposed to take care of me!!!!!
Trust in the Lord with all thy heart and lean not on thy own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge Him and He will direct your paths. I don't know where this is at, but it just came to me. With it came peace. wow
I've made a commitment to healthy eating. I have become painfully aware over the last year that cancer feeds on sugar. So, I'm trying to eliminate it from my diet. Also, anything that is easily converted to sugar by the body. I figure since my mom died of cancer and my bio-father is dying of cancer I really need to take precautionary steps if I want to live past 55. (Mom was 53, bio-father is 55(I think))
Plus, I've developed ulcers. Yeah!! Apparently due to the amount of stress I was under while helping take care of Mom. I was also having constant headaches so I was living on Excedrin Migraine. Word to the wise... Do not take aspirin every day, doubling the dosage, for weeks at a time, especially without eating first. It can cause ulcers. Ulcers aren't fun. Besides the pain and constant ache there is nausea, gas and a heartburn- like feeling. Now I'm on meds for 8 weeks. I'm half way through and the pain still isn't gone. If it doesn't go away I get to have an endoscopy performed. wooohooo. I get to see my innards. Merry Christmas to me!!
To top things off, today I found out that DH has a degenerative spinal disorder and if that didn't suck enough...an abnormal swelling of the brain stem.
So to recap... July-Mom dies, Aug-Grandma diagnosed w/ Parkinsons, Sept-ulcers, Nov.-bad diagnosis for DH, anytime now-father could die
and so it goes...this is your life
I sound so negative and bitter. I guess I am. I feel like I'm getting way more than my share here. In the grand scheme of things I realize that this is life. The good with the bad. Now I'm seeing a lot of bad, but there is good in there too. My kids are great! Doing well in school. Enjoying their activities and looking forward to the holidays, sort of. I have a wonderful DH and a great marriage. I'm basically healthy. My needs are met,barely. A big lump of cash would improve the look of things. But the things that really matter aren't affected by money.
Today was the first time in 17 weeks that I desperately wanted to call my Mom. I wanted so badly to tell her the news from the doctor and how scared I am. It sounds weird, but hearing her worry too would make me feel a little better. Instead, I keep it inside. There's no one else to tell. Well, except you, I guess. I told a close friend, it helped, a little. But she's not going to worry with me like Mom would.
I'm sad. always. still. it doesn't go way. I still don't feel like I've figured out how to do this. Grieve, I mean. when does the pain go away. I think never. I think I will cry at every milestone in my family's life for my Mom. wedding, graduations, birthdays and new births will all be days that I will feel her absence.
It dawned on me a few days ago that she doesn't miss us. For some reason this really upsets me. Of course I want her to be happy and at peace. But, it filled me with such an aching sadness to know that she's not longing to be with us the way we are. I know this should bring me comfort. "she's in a better place" She's my mom, she is supposed to miss me. I don't think she could have ever imagined the cavern her death would leave in my life. She felt comfortable leaving me to "take care of the kids". She meant my younger siblings. Who is supposed to take care of me!!!!!
Trust in the Lord with all thy heart and lean not on thy own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge Him and He will direct your paths. I don't know where this is at, but it just came to me. With it came peace. wow
posted by Jonalynn | 8:00 PM
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