12 weeks
This week it will be 12 weeks since my mom died. 12 weeks is a significant number to me now. It was 12 weeks exactly from the day we found out she had a brain tumor until it hemorrhaged, killing her in a matter of hours. Back then, it was weeks of work towards a cure. Caring for her. Raising money to pay for her treatments. Weeks filled with hope that we would beat this thing. That she would be the exception to all of the doctors bad news. But she wasn't. In fact, she died even before they thought she would.
I am angry. I've read that it's normal to be angry, but I'm filled with such a rage it scares me. I try to reason with myself. My behavior isn't rational. She is in a better place, my faith tells me so. And yes, at times I'm angry with Him. With God. Stupid, I know. But I am. Sometimes, I'm even angry with her. For leaving me. For all that she left undone. For not preparing me in some way for her death. If only she'd been a lousy mom it wouldn't hurt so bad. It's selfish really. It's all about me.
I miss her so much it's a constant ache. It's kind of like the ulcer that I've developed since she's been gone. It's a constant gnawing pain reminding me that there is a hole in me. Wow, that is an amazing analogy. I try to ignore it, change my habits to work around it, but at night it's impossible to ignore.
I've spoken to people who have commented that sometimes they forget she's gone, just for an instant. "Do you ever pick up the phone to call her" someone recently asked me. Never. Because I never, not for a second forget that she's gone. It is with me all the time. My mind doesn't let go of it, out of fear, I think. I'm petrified of the day that I forget, because then I'll have to come to the realization again. I don't think that I could bear it.
12 weeks. Once again it went by so fast and yet it seems like it's been forever. When we were caring for her, praying for a miracle it seemed like the days dragged on. Then she was gone and we realized we hadn't had nearly enough time. I can still hear her telling me "it's a tumor". It felt like my world was collapsing around me.
and it did.
I am angry. I've read that it's normal to be angry, but I'm filled with such a rage it scares me. I try to reason with myself. My behavior isn't rational. She is in a better place, my faith tells me so. And yes, at times I'm angry with Him. With God. Stupid, I know. But I am. Sometimes, I'm even angry with her. For leaving me. For all that she left undone. For not preparing me in some way for her death. If only she'd been a lousy mom it wouldn't hurt so bad. It's selfish really. It's all about me.
I miss her so much it's a constant ache. It's kind of like the ulcer that I've developed since she's been gone. It's a constant gnawing pain reminding me that there is a hole in me. Wow, that is an amazing analogy. I try to ignore it, change my habits to work around it, but at night it's impossible to ignore.
I've spoken to people who have commented that sometimes they forget she's gone, just for an instant. "Do you ever pick up the phone to call her" someone recently asked me. Never. Because I never, not for a second forget that she's gone. It is with me all the time. My mind doesn't let go of it, out of fear, I think. I'm petrified of the day that I forget, because then I'll have to come to the realization again. I don't think that I could bear it.
12 weeks. Once again it went by so fast and yet it seems like it's been forever. When we were caring for her, praying for a miracle it seemed like the days dragged on. Then she was gone and we realized we hadn't had nearly enough time. I can still hear her telling me "it's a tumor". It felt like my world was collapsing around me.
and it did.
posted by Jonalynn | 8:16 PM
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