Laughter

I laughed for the first time in months this weekend. Not a fake, forced laugh, but a genuine, happy laugh. The incident occurred at a hamster race of all places. Apparently, this hamster derby is a yearly occurrence, but a first for me. It was a mass of about 20 children and one middle aged woman(not me) each with their hamster in it's ball. Then they were raced, two at a time, around a hamster track. Parents and children cheered for their competitor. After each race, everyone clapped and congratulated the winner. It was, by far, one of the most ridiculous events I have ever seen. Some of the children cried when their hamster didn't win, some cheated, and others didn't really seem to care one way or the other. Our entrant was one of the latter. Anyway, standing in a group of screaming parents, watching a group of rodents run around coached by their child owners (and a middle aged woman) I couldn't help but laugh. The strange thing is that the moment the laugh escaped me, it felt weird. I hadn't realized how long it had been until that instant. It felt like a turning point. In fact, I haven't cried since.
So, it has been nearly 8 weeks since my mom died. I am just now starting to feel a glimpse, of a spark, of a hint, of a normal person. Yesterday, I developed an overwhelming urge to do yard work that has extended into today. I'm getting the yard cleaned up. Not a huge deal, but much needed. The important thing is that I actually want to do something for the first time in ages.
Maybe time does heal all wounds. It's just more time than I ever would have imagined. Of course, at times I doubted the existence of a healing at all.

And so it goes...

It's been a while since I posted. I couldn't remember my login info(see point #5). I've learned a lot about this whole grieving process. It sucks!! Here's what no one tells you because you would lose it right off the bat.
1. It doesn't get better. It just keeps getting worse. Each day I realize anew that my mom is gone and I think of more things that we will never do again. Even Labor Day was depressing! The other day while shopping for a card for my BIL, I passed the "Mother" cards and almost started crying right there because I will never buy another "Mom" card. Ever. (I was able to hold off the crying till later)
2. Crying doesn't help. Trust me on this one. If it helped I'd be much better off. A day hasn't gone by in ages where I didn't bawl my eyes out at least once. Actually, if it were only once a day, that would be a relief.
3. Most people's consoling words make you want to hit them. This is especially true if they have never experienced any level of loss in their own lives.
4. People say " You'll always have your memories". That is true. I remember every time I was annoyed with my mom, or said something a little unkind, or wanted to be somewhere other than with her. I remember exactly how she looked as she had her first seizure, in the hospital with tubes everywhere, her last breath, how she felt so cold and smelled weird as she lay in the coffin. I pray for a reprieve from all the damn memories. Unfortunately, the last few months of her life have crowded out all the wonderful times we had.
5. Your brain stops working and your ability to cope with life disappears. This is especially unexpected. I lose my keys several times a day. I've forgotten to pay bills. These simple things lead to complete breakdowns. I used to be a strong person that could handle most of what life threw me. (and I've been thrown a lot)Not anymore. Now I'm the person that starts crying because my husband bought the wrong kind of cereal. Which, he has to do because I can't remember to go shopping!!
6. Apparently, you cannot escape the process by staying busy. Eventually you run out of things to do to keep it at bay. At this point "it" catches up with you and knocks you on your rear. Personally, I ran myself ragged for a month before it caught up. I really thought I'd escaped and was getting by pretty well. WRONG!! In retrospect, I think it's better to tackle it early on when people are more sympathetic to your plight. After a month, they want you to act "normal" and "deal" with it. It's a real challenge to keep from kicking these previously sympathetic souls in the shin. I find functioning on a somewhat human level to be challenging. How can I be expected to attend parties and make small talk? How can I balance a checkbook when it took me half the day to get in the shower?
Wow, I'm a real downer today. See point #6. I guess we'll see if it does eventually get better. I can't imagine being the Grinch for the rest of my life, so something's gotta give.

Oh for the record... I have tried card making and found myself lacking. My new hobby, when I have time for one, will be model car building. I'll keep you posted.